What the @#%& are we getting ourselves into?

Sitting down to breakfast the other day, I turned to Augusto, my fiancé and said

“I’m falling in love with another man.”  He didn’t even miss a beat, taking my hand, smiling and saying,

“Me too:”

I am now 23 weeks pregnant with a little boy we have named Luca.   I feel him move almost constantly, and he has become a part of our daily discourse.  Augusto greets me after work with 2 kisses, one for me and one for my growing belly.  His over-protective nature has kicked into overdrive- I am not just his partner, but his child’s mother, and therefore all possible future bad scenarios are always considered.  It can be frustrating, especially as we are currently house-hunting, and while I am appreciating the large garden space a potential house has, he is eyeing the surrounding wall and assessing break-in possibilities.  He’d happily set up in an underground bunker if he had his way.

At times, we both look at each other with a look that says “What the @#%& are we getting ourselves into?”

Luckily, neither of us has a clue as to what’s in store for us, so we are gleefully enjoying pregnancy with the blissful innocence of first-time to be parents.  Sometimes I hear a certain satisfied/sinister tone coming from my friends and family who have had children when they tell me, “Just you wait…” but I choose not to focus on it.

I have been musing a lot about selfishness.  I am aware that this is the last time in my life that I will be able to take actions without considering the fate of my child, but it hasn’t sunk in what that implies.  If it means taking 30 years of self-absorption and wanton choices and molding them into a caring and responsible mother-figure, I’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to happen.  Is it automatic? Or do I have a long and painful road of learning patience and selflessness ahead of me? (Something tells me it’s the latter…)

There are a lot of what ifs rolling around in my head, and the biggest one is what if I’m not a good mother?  What if I become the mother rewarding her screaming child in the grocery store with candy because she just can’t take it anymore? What if I create a monster by being inconsistent and lacking discipline? What if I can’t shake my selfishness and I resent the child for demanding so much time and attention? I have to stop myself and take a deep breath when I get going down the what if rollercoaster, because I have an overactive imagination and usually don’t stop until Luca is in his 20’s and the head of an international crime ring.

This year in Honduras has completely changed the course of my life.  I had no idea when I first arrived in Tegucigalpa that by the end of the year I’d be looking at the prices of diapers and cribs and discussing the pros and cons of circumcisions. When I consider the crazy changes that have happened in such a short time, it makes me realize that there is no use playing the what if game, because time moves so fast, the only thing to do is breathe and take one day at a time.  Or more likely, hold my breath and take it one poopy diaper at a time. 

Happy Holidays to all my friends and family around the world!