Sitting
down to breakfast the other day, I turned to Augusto, my fiancé and said
“I’m falling
in love with another man.” He didn’t
even miss a beat, taking my hand, smiling and saying,
“Me too:”
I am now 23
weeks pregnant with a little boy we have named Luca. I feel him move almost constantly, and he has
become a part of our daily discourse.
Augusto greets me after work with 2 kisses, one for me and one for my
growing belly. His over-protective
nature has kicked into overdrive- I am not just his partner, but his child’s
mother, and therefore all possible future bad scenarios are always
considered. It can be frustrating, especially
as we are currently house-hunting, and while I am appreciating the large garden
space a potential house has, he is eyeing the surrounding wall and assessing
break-in possibilities. He’d happily set
up in an underground bunker if he had his way.
At times,
we both look at each other with a look that says “What the @#%& are we
getting ourselves into?”
Luckily,
neither of us has a clue as to what’s in store for us, so we are gleefully
enjoying pregnancy with the blissful innocence of first-time to be
parents. Sometimes I hear a certain
satisfied/sinister tone coming from my friends and family who have had children
when they tell me, “Just you wait…” but I choose not to focus on it.
I have been
musing a lot about selfishness. I am
aware that this is the last time in my life that I will be able to take actions
without considering the fate of my child, but it hasn’t sunk in what that
implies. If it means taking 30 years of
self-absorption and wanton choices and molding them into a caring and
responsible mother-figure, I’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to
happen. Is it automatic? Or do I have a
long and painful road of learning patience and selflessness ahead of me?
(Something tells me it’s the latter…)
There are a
lot of what ifs rolling around in my
head, and the biggest one is what if I’m
not a good mother? What if I become
the mother rewarding her screaming child in the grocery store with candy
because she just can’t take it anymore? What if I create a monster by being inconsistent
and lacking discipline? What if I can’t shake my selfishness and I resent the
child for demanding so much time and attention? I have to stop myself and take
a deep breath when I get going down the what
if rollercoaster, because I have an overactive imagination and usually don’t
stop until Luca is in his 20’s and the head of an international crime ring.
This year
in Honduras has completely changed the course of my life. I had no idea when I first arrived in
Tegucigalpa that by the end of the year I’d be looking at the prices of diapers
and cribs and discussing the pros and cons of circumcisions. When I consider
the crazy changes that have happened in such a short time, it makes me realize
that there is no use playing the what if
game, because time moves so fast, the only thing to do is breathe and take one
day at a time. Or more likely, hold my
breath and take it one poopy diaper at a time.
Happy
Holidays to all my friends and family around the world!
