What the... how is it possible that I'm about to turn 30?

I’m about to turn 30, and although I’ve known it was coming, I can’t seem to wrap my head around this fact – I’m going to be #$%& 30 years old and that means I must definitely be an adult, even though I still feel about 18 inside.  There have been a lot of mixed emotions keeping me up at night as I contemplate my impending real-adultness.

One of the biggest emotions is guilt.  I have spent around 8 of the past 12 years living far away from my family and closest friends. I missed the birth of both of my sister’s babies.  I missed my childhood best friend´s wedding and the birth of her first child.  I missed my other best friend’s 30^th birthday. I somehow blinked and my oldest niece is legal drinking age and living on her own and my oldest nephew is driving a car.  I am living abroad in a dangerous and difficult country and when I consider how much I am missing, I struggle to remember why I decided to come in the first place.  Am I really going to make a difference here in Honduras? Is it worth it to miss the milestones of my friends and my nieces and nephews, and the sense of community that comes with living close to my family? Do I really need to be so far away to fulfill my sense of purpose and challenge?

The second emotion is anxiety – this is the first time I realized that my youth isn’t going to last forever, and that if I want to have my own family one day, I better start focusing in that direction before my ovaries expire. I can’t seem to meld the two parts of myself into a cohesive lifestyle – the part of me that is filled with adventure and wanderlust wants nothing to do with the part of me that is getting broody and eyeing up males for the strength of their genes.  I found my first grey hair not too long ago, and I no longer have the option of going braless.  Like it or not, time is marching on, and I have to keep up or else.

I do feel a great deal of satisfaction, however, when I review my life thus far.  I have never owned a car or a house, but I am the owner of incredible, unforgettable experiences that have taught me to take each day as it comes, and have given me strengths which have allowed me to survive and cope with the highs and lows of my adventurous life.  I have loved ones on all corners of the earth, and continue to draw strength from them regardless of where we are.  I have traveled to Europe, Africa and Central America, and learned a second language.  I have bungee-jumped, zip-lined, climbed volcanoes, surfed, kayaked, white-water rafted, cliff-dived, and survived in the most isolated villages and some of the biggest cities. I have avoided being bitten or stung by (knock on wood) scorpions, snakes, stingrays and jellyfish, but I have hugged a cheetah, snuggled a sloth and walked through a jungle filled with howling jaguars (remember that Mom, in Tikal?).  I have made some really, really bad decisions, and I have learned from my mistakes.  I finally finished my undergrad degree after 10 years of on and off studying.  I have fallen in love and had my heart broken.  I have laughed so hard my stomach muscles were sore for days afterward.

My life is not ordinary, and it doesn’t follow a plan.  I have no idea where I will be next year, or what I will be doing. If I judge myself based on the lives of others, I may not have made it very far linearly speaking, but in the end, is that what I’m aiming for?  My aim for my 30´s?  Spend more time with my family, spend more time with my friends, and spend less time judging myself or others. And keep on feeling like I'm perpetually 18.